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Myra's Friends


aristarla
 5th January, 2010. 2:27 pm. Just a couple of thoughts for the ether...

I am a bit of a control freak (understatement), and I hate to think that fate is an option. But in the dark hours of the night, when I am alone and feeling fragile, I am comforted by the thought "If it is meant to be it will be." Just for a moment I let the reigns of life fall from my hands, and let the responsibility fall on something else.

I used to think in poetry, but after years of trying to be emotionally dead, I don't think at all. Now the cogs of my brain are rusted in place, when they try to move, all I get is a rain of russet flakes. I need a jump start, need some lubrication, need a muse. But that is all counting on inspiration to come from outside myself. I don't want to do that any more... but can't help it.

I finally settled on a quote to go under my dorky Billy tattoo: "Because truth is madness and madness truth truly revealed, and to see is to always see too much."

Now off to clean my apartment and to control the things I can control.

Current mood: cold.
Current music: These Days - Nico.

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danibannani
 3rd January, 2010. 10:21 pm. Baby's got back!

I keep hearing Baby's got back. I'm very very pleased with this. I KNOW ALL THE WORDS STILL. Ahem.

Today I had meeting after meeting. First I had a DOC meeting. That was cool. Long, but cool. I had a really good waffle and kinda hung out with Dan sorta, for thirty second intervals. Always fun.

Then I had a meeting for work like things.

Then I had a BC.

Jordan came over and we watched the Cowboys kill the Eagles. That was nice. And then I watched teh Jets kill the Bengels. Also nice.

I'm excited for the football post season. Packers, Vikings, Jets... it's going to be awesome. Jordan watches a lot of the games here because of the HD and i'm totally okay with that.

Also, David is the best person I've ever had the honor of loving. He got me a really great birthday present. :) And apparently there are more!

This is a really boring entry. I'm excited though, LInda send me something, too. :)

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danibannani
 3rd January, 2010. 9:16 am.

I'm not sure why I stopped posting. I guess it was because I was just feeling too lazy to really sit down and document out my everyday life. I do like to do it, though, because it's the only way a lot of people can see what Im' doing or thinking or whatever.

( A really long entry about my week, my New Years Resolutions, and all my deepest feelings. Please read if you dare. )

As for last year: Last year was really transformative. It changed who I was. I started it thinking I was going to be one person and ended it a completely different one. I'm not sorry for it.

It's been a struggle this last year, coming to terms with decisions I've made, and people I've hurt. I've tried many times to put it behind me, and seal up the holes I blew in myself. I think maybe I've done it, finally. Expelled the crazy that situation brought me.

I cannot be forgiven for what I did. Brandon won't want to forgive me, and I will not ask him to. I don't really blame him, but I cannot feel guilty anymore. That part of me, the part of me that did all those things is dead and needs to be put away. No longer can I use crazy as an excuse for how I behave, because honestly, I have control over my mind, my emotions and my future for the first time. I wrote him a letter I won't ever send. I put it away. I've purged myself of the pain of being that person, and I'm moving on.

I'm 26. I'm having surgery this week to make sure I'm fertile. I'm ready for the answer. I'm ready to make plans for my life. I cannot hold on to all the pain and awful things I've been or said or done any longer. They're there, they're real, but I am not that person. I take responsibility for what I've done, and I have drastically changed. If what I did to Brandon and to Craig has any good side, it is that through that rock bottom, I've had to really look at myself. I cannot use insecurity as an excuse for anything anymore.

I've hurt so many people this year, last year, every year. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you all without a word in 2008. I'm sorry I came back in 2009 and didn't apologize. I'm sorry I've been an awful friend to some of you, and am trying to make amends not by admitting it, but by offering presents and kind words often out of guilt. I won't be that person, and if you want, I'm ready to be a real friend now.

Happy New Year.

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